Susan Platt Humor Column for Singles

MY COLUMN
MY APTLY NAMED COLUMN is an irreverent and sometimes insightful look at single men and women over 45 navigating the waters of the single sea. My intention is to amuse you, and perhaps give you a different perspective on the ups and downs, joys and frustrations of the dating world. I have learned that we are not alone in our experiences, and our single adventures are shared by all. As I have been single myself on and off for some time, I too have experienced much of the same drama, trauma, and outright nonsense that you all have gone through. And, while I am decidedly not an expert, I can empathize with you and your experiences, and perhaps give it an amusing twist. Suffice it to say, my view is my own and I call it as I see it. My style is direct and straightforward, and you won’t have any trouble figuring out where I stand. I would be very pleased if you were to read my musings, and let me know what you think.

Introduction
Why Didn’t He Call
Do’s and Don’ts for Guys
Do’s and Don’ts for Gals
Why Won’t He Dance
Sick of the Single Scene?
The Singles Scene Doesn't Work
Girlfriend/Boyfriend Application

Introduction

Being single today, and being “of a certain age”, presents unique challenges (what we used to call problems before it was politically incorrect to have any). I hope, through this column, to at least address and dissect some of these difficulties, challenges, opportunities—pick your euphemism—for your review, discussion, and amusement. I hope this will become an interactive experience—I write, you respond, I write some more. I am interested in what your reactions are to my thoughts and opinions, and in your differing views. Feel free to write to me.

The subjects of these columns (or rants, as I sometimes like to call them) are issues I have either been interested in, am intrigued by, or have proven to be as much a pain in the you know where for me as you tell me they are for you. I hope you will find these musings amusing. The ideas may be irreverent, a bit sarcastic, maybe a bit provocative, but I intend to always be thought-provoking. I will be my usual direct and straightforward self, and as always, as honest as possible about what I think.

So, right out of the batter’s box, and at the risk of mixing metaphors, let’s hit the ground running. I asked a few of my friends (mainly the female ones) what I should write about first. They overwhelmingly answered “Men!”“What about them interests you?” I asked. “Personal hygiene”, they all said, “and the frequent lack thereof”. (My girlfriends are the literary type, and often talk like that—honest). I have heard similar sentiments from my men friends regarding some of the women.

So, not to be deliberately provocative so quickly, but to discuss something that is on the minds of many of you, let’s address this issue as it affects both sexes. From the comments I’ve heard people make, I think we need to do a better job of sprucing up for an evening out. It goes without saying that a shower, clean teeth, washed hair, fresh clothes and shoes, are de rigueur for many of us. But, apparently not for everyone. At a recent singles dance I attended, I was truly surprised at how many people apparently hadn’t used an antiperspirant (or a very good one). And because they didn’t, their clothes were musty smelling. And, their shoes, too, but for a different reason.

Ladies and gentlemen, regardless of why you’re out for the evening, put your best out there. Smelling good (as opposed to bad) is part of the effort. Personal hygiene products are necessary—the lack thereof is too horrible to contemplate. And, a little perfume or aftershave (used by either gender) can be intriguing. A word to the wise: soap and water are your friends. Don’t put grease in your hair. Clean your teeth after you eat. Look in a mirror and check to see that everything is where it ought to be, and that nothing that shouldn’t be is hanging down or out or showing or what have you. Wash or dry clean your clothes often—especially after a dance where the temperature inside the ballroom reaches 89 degrees, and you’ve been dancing all night. You’ll be happier. And so will we.

Let me know what you think. I reserve the right to use your comments (as if they were my own) in future columns. Also, what would you like to read about?

Susan’s Wake Up Call, Copyright, 2008, by Susan D. Platt (No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author). August 25, 2008 - 1

Why Doesn’t He Call?

Of all of the annoyances plaguing women in the singles’ universe, the one that gets the most press, the one that seems to bother more women than any other, and certainly the one that the fewest people seem to understand is the “WHY DIDN’T HE CALL?” perplexity. (I use caps because usually we gals scream this from open windows in high rises as if exhorting the gods to answer.) Men have a variation of this which I will address in a future column; however, suffice it to say, not getting a call from a woman doesn’t seem to up the angst factor for men like it does for many women.

How many times have you, a woman, given your phone number to a guy at his request, only to never hear from him again? This conundrum often brings up unrelenting bouts of insecurity and self-doubt, confusion, and frustration, as well as myriad resolutions on the part of the offended female the likes of which are, “I will never again give anyone my phone number for as long as I live, so help me G-d!” A little dramatic, yes, but totally plausible—been there, done that.

I’m wondering if some of you are thinking, “Okay, but where’s the tragedy? What’s the big deal?” After all, it isn’t like you, the woman, actually went out on a date (or slept with him) and he didn’t call. (This happens all too frequently, and is fodder for another rant). Isn’t this just a typical day in the singles neighborhood—men asking women for their phone numbers and then not calling? Aren’t we all used to this kind of treatment, dismissive though it may be? Isn’t it all just part of the game?

While some of you may be thinking this is one heck of an overreaction, to others it is just one more thing that many women have to put up with in a world where the inventory is shrinking. In many cases, it has to do with unrealized expectations and profound disappointment. The woman may have really liked the guy, perhaps he didn’t realize how much, and she was looking forward to seeing him again. Perhaps she was thinking that maybe something would come of this. Then again, it may be that it isn’t so much that she wanted to go out with him; he clearly didn’t want to go out with her, even though he gave her the impression that he did. What a blow! And, what made him change his mind? Why didn’t he follow through?

So the infernal question remains: why would (some) men, who often go to the trouble of spending an entire evening with a woman, dance with her, charm her every step of the way, make reference to future meetings by using the pronoun “we”, walk her to her car, ask for her phone number, and not call? We women have been asking ourselves this question, or a variation thereof, since we were old enough to have butterflies in our stomachs over a member of the opposite sex. It is profoundly puzzling to us.

Okay, so I have an opinion on this matter—you expected less? First, I must say that most of the reasons we give each other and ourselves for this lack of good manners are pure fantasy. We women often go through the “maybe he lost my number” fantasy. Right, like a guy ever lost a phone number he didn’t want to lose. Don’t quibble with me; I’m trying to make a point. I can hear some of you objecting greatly to my generalization, telling tales of some guy you know who lost a woman’s phone number, telling yourselves that it could happen and you never know—certainly clichés I want to live by. Stop that now. As if the one guy this happened to negates the gazillion men who didn’t lose the number, and still didn’t call. Men, how often have you lost a phone number of someone you were hot for? I’m waiting. And, anyway, how do you use that excuse when her number went right into your cell phone? Or, she says, “He’s really busy right now”. Right, like a guy who’s hot for you can’t find two minutes to call you and chat, or arrange a meeting. After all, if he was so busy, how did he find the time to be where he was when you met him? Maybe he changed his mind? Well, duh! (Fit YOUR rationalization, justification, and/or excuse here, and get it out of your system).

Or, just maybe, there really is another reason why this scenario plays out over and over. Are you ready, as the song says? I think that the reason most men ask for a woman’s phone number with absolutely no intention of calling (and I believe they know they have no intention at the time they ask) is because most men simply don’t know how to say, “Goodnight, I had a great evening, and I hope to run into you somewhere, sometime”. (Exit, stage left).

There is no denying that fun was had for the evening—but this is not enough. There is no question that there was chemistry—but this is not enough. There’s no denying the two enjoyed each other’s company - but this, too, is not enough. The guy was absolutely not in the market for a date or a girlfriend. He had no intention of following through; he just didn’t know how to say good bye. He was out for the evening looking for a little divertissement, and you, the woman asking the eternal question, colloquially, fell into his lap. She’s thinking, “We had so much fun, it’s only natural for him also to want another round of the same”. Not necessarily; obviously the one evening was sufficient. I think men often feel an obligation, especially if they have occupied a woman’s time for an entire evening, to give her something. So they give her the false hope of a future tryst. If confronted, they can pretend that they intended to call, but got busy, lost the number, got back with the ex-wife, went to war, fell down-went boom. But, and I believe this to be true, he knew he wasn’t going to call when he was asking for the number. He just didn’t know how to say goodnight.

Susan’s Wake Up Call, Copyright, 2008, by Susan D. Platt (No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author). September 3, 2008 - 2

DO’S AND DON’T’S FOR GUYS

As some of you know, I attend many of the dances, mixers, and various singles events in the Bay Area. I love going out, meeting people, and hanging out with my friends—young and old, old and new. I have been known to pay attention to other people’s behavior, become amused, and mock occasionally. I wanted to share with all of you some of my observations and opinions of the more outrageous, funny, and just plain human things I’ve seen and experienced. I have compiled a cautionary list of do’s and don’ts for guys that I think you will enjoy. Perhaps you will recognize and be amused by some of this, give me a virtual high-five, or have an “ah ha” moment.

Toward this end, you guys are going to get thrown under the bus. Have no fear, the women will get their due next week. So fellas, make sure your sense of humor is in tact and at the ready. Here we go.

1. Fashion alert! Do not wear your pants and belt so high and tight above your waist that you look like you have a tourniquet wrapped around your chest. You have a waist - find it! And loosen up that belt. The Pillsbury dough boy (or in the case of you macho types—the Michelin tire guy) should not be your fashion model. On the other hand, wearing your pants so low that your behind shows isn’t cool either. And while that’s not much of a problem in our group, I was at a mixer last week, and I swear the pants almost came down on one of the attendees. That was a real “hold your breath until you choke with laughter” moment.

2. Get rid of those shirts with the narrow button down collar and the checked or striped print, and the narrow waist. And, throw away those stretched and baggy, faded jersey type golf shirt pullovers. Or, use them to wash your car. Unless you want to look like a geeky teenager from the 50’s, update the wardrobe. And buy new cargo pants. Those “Bermuda” shorts you bought 10 years ago that hit two, three, or four inches above your knees are not makin’ it. Look in the Sunday papers at the clothing catalogs. Basically, the styles from one store to another are similar, and will give you a good idea of what’s actually in style. And telling me “they’re still wearable” is falling on deaf ears.

3. Get a haircut. Unless you are stuck in ponytail land, and won’t get rid of it regardless of what anyone says, get a good haircut. Short. Makes you look way younger. No neck ruffles. No comb-overs. And, please, get rid of the Santa Claus beards. Goatees, mustaches, very short beards are fine; but, a whole lot of Grizzly Adams white or grey facial hair just isn’t as attractive as you probably would like it to be. And telling me that you like it is also falling on deaf ears.

4. Please don’t drink your cocktails or other drinks through a straw. Straws are for kids. And besides, most of the “straws” placed in the glasses are drink stirrers, and not meant to be used as a beverage conveyance. Know your drinking paraphernalia. Your manhood may depend on it.

5. If you are going to be in the company of a woman for a substantial period of time—long enough so that other men think you are together and won’t approach her - offer to buy her a drink. If you are not so inclined, then don’t occupy her entire evening. Only you know your intentions. Are you interested in her, or are you just killing time. Be considerate of her time and her intentions. Is she really happy that you are hanging on her? Try to ascertain. Everyone will be happier in the long run.

6. Trying to asses a woman’s complete biography who you just met during a four minute session of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is an annoying experience. Ask her name, and keep it short on the dance floor. If you want to know more about her, buy her a drink and talk. Some women may like the third degree, but some women just want to dance. And, by the way, walk her back to her seat when you are finished dancing. Turning on your heel and leaving her on the dance floor to find her own way through the crowd at the end of a song is just rude. Exhibiting some manners puts you in a much better position to see if she wants either further dances or conversation with you.

7. Don’t tell a woman to “smile” when you’re dancing with her, even if you think she’s prettier when she does. At this point, your opinion of her facial expression is not that important to her, and may make her feel extremely self-conscious. And besides, if she were having such a good time, there would be no need for you to point out that she looks like she wishes she were anywhere else besides the dance floor with you. Maybe tell her a joke instead. Or, perhaps just dance.

8. Speaking of, learn how to dance. Just the basics. Like, where the damn beat is. Remember, those of you who like to do your own thing, we women are required to know how to do everyone’s thing, and do it backwards, and often in heels. So do us a favor, and learn a little standard free style and swing so that we don’t feel like we’re constantly guessing what your next move is going to be, and we’re not so concerned about loosing a limb every time you spin us.

9. This next one is a pet peeve among some of my women friends. Many of you are into the automatic hugging and kissing thing when you see someone you know—friend or acquaintance—or complete stranger; doesn’t seem to matter. We all get a full-on body press smearing makeup and lipstick and mussing hair. Some of us don’t care for this style of greeting. Make sure you notice whether or not the woman is receptive to your lovin’ ways. Does she put her face up for a kiss and a hug, does she put her hand out for a handshake, or does she look like a deer caught in the headlights of your onslaught? Pay attention, and respond accordingly. No one said this was going to be easy, but we’re all different, and you need to treat us as individuals, not as if we are all the same person wanting the same things.

10. If you like a woman well enough to want to see her again, ask her for a date—don’t play the phone number game. Man up and buy her a cup of coffee. On the other hand, don’t ask her for her phone number if you don’t intend to call her. Learn how to say, “I had a lot of fun this evening, and I’m sure we’ll see each other again. Goodnight”.

And sweet dreams to all of you.

Susan’s Wake Up Call, Copyright, 2008 by Susan D. Platt (No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author). September 21, 2008 - 4

DO’S AND DON’TS FOR GALS

Okay ladies, it’s your turn. I had a harder time thinking of as many amusing things to talk about concerning the women as I did last week with the men. Could be I’m protecting my own. Or, just walking a bit more softly with the ladies cause, quite frankly, I’m more afraid of them than the guys. But, in terms of the expected dress code and fashion sense, most women have a better handle on things than most men. Sexist, I know, but possibly true? Anyhow, I persevered, and below are a few things I’ve noticed in my travels, and am happy to pass along to a willing reader:

When it is necessary to wear hosiery, which is rare these days, don’t wear stockings darker than your skirt or shoes lighter than your stockings. I recently saw (before Labor Day) a woman in a white skirt, white shoes, and black stockings. I did such a severe double-take that my head almost fell off my shoulders. There is something terribly jarring about this picture. On rare occasions, I’ve seen this look briefly portrayed in ultra high fashion magazines, and I can only think how misguided it is.

If you are coming to a singles mixer, leave the khaki work pants, the baggy shirt, and the Nike running shoes home. I saw this combo recently, I swear. Ladies, there is nothing wrong with sprucing up a bit when going out for the evening regardless of your reasons for being out and about. It doesn’t mean you’re desperately looking for a man or pandering to the idea of getting a man. There is nothing wrong with looking nice for the opposite sex. And besides, how are you going to tell your grandchildren that torn jeans aren’t appropriate for their mother’s third wedding if you’re not setting a good example yourself? Haven’t you realized yet that the goal is not to be comfortable, but to look nice so no one talks about you?

Make sure the fashions you have chosen to wear fit you—literally. I saw a woman in an overcoat with a waist so high in the back that it looked like she had her adolescent daughter’s coat on. And, the more I think of it, perhaps she did. Life can be hectic that way. However, if you haven’t resorted to wearing your kids clothes because they don’t fit or the style isn’t quite right, then be sure that the grown-up clothes you do choose at least fit you —stylishly. And, if you have to ask anyone if you should be wearing something, the answer is always “no”. Trust me on this.

Update the hairdo. If you look like a Stepford wife in a flared June Cleaver skirt, something’s got to go. If you are still wearing Farah Fawcett’s hair, it’s time for a change. And, if the female version of a man’s mullet has made a home on your scalp —yikes!—I don’t know what to say. Except, get a good haircut. Are you wearing the same hairdo you wore when you were “in your prime”? Well, it’s time for a makeover. And, by the way, ladies, yellow or gold hair doesn’t look good on anyone over the age of seven. Ask the man in the street, or your children, or your best friend what they think of your hairdo. And personal style. Then pay attention. Unless they’re going to lie to you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, then just ask me.

Smile or put some other pleasant look you save for public functions on your face. You don’t have to grin like an idiot; just don’t look scary. Look people in the eye when you walk into a room, and don’t be oblivious to your surroundings. Other people who see you may be trying to get your attention. Your friends don’t like it when you appear to ignore them. And, it looks like you lack confidence. Very unsexy. Be open to someone connecting with you. Besides, it is much easier for a guy to start a conversation with you if you are already looking at him and smiling his way. This is certainly worth practicing until you are able to come into a crowded room easily. Remember, just because it’s uncomfortable is no excuse not to master this technique. And besides, everyone will soon be jealous of your new attitude.

Don’t stand around in a gaggle of girls talking, laughing, and generally having a good time with your friends and then complain that no one is asking you to dance or coming over to talk with you. When was the last time you walked over to a group of 3, 4, or 5 guys who appeared to be deep in conversational fun? Can you imagine how intimidating that walk must be? So, if you’re interested in meeting some of the men attending the same function you’re attending, you’re going to have to help the situation along. Extricate yourself from your posse, make eye contact with whomever looks interesting to you, and move the situation along with your winning smile. It doesn’t hurt to make it a bit easier for someone to get to know you.

Don’t let men who you do not care for hang on you. You’re not a coat rack, and there is nothing nice about tolerating something you’d prefer not to endure. Learn to say, “I’m not a hugger”, “I would prefer it if you didn’t lean on me like that”, or,”please get your tongue out of my throat, we haven’t been properly introduced”. If enough women tell enough men, this problem may go away. Yay!!

Don’t accept alcohol or other drinks from men you’re not interested in. If someone wants to buy you a drink, and you accept, he is hoping to be able to spend some time with you. And, rightfully so. He isn’t a drink delivery system just yours for the taking. By accepting, you are tacitly saying, okay, I will spend some time with you. If that is not your desire, then turn down the offer. None of us needs a free drink that badly. And the men appreciate knowing where they stand.

Girls don’t often need to be told this, but sometimes a reminder is necessary. So, here it is: smell good - teeth, gums, clothes, shoes, hair;anyplace where someone’s nose might be.

Susan’s Wake Up Call, Copyright, 2008, by Susan D. Platt (No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author). October 1, 2008 - 5

WHY WON’T HE DANCE?

It happened again. Right in front of my eyes. I was attending a dance in Sacramento this past Friday night, and I saw the reason for this column unfold before me. To wit, a very cute guy walked the length of the dance floor, approached the table where I was sitting, and asked one of the women at the table to dance. She barely looked up, shook her head no, and went back to yakking with one of her girlfriends. The cute guy, trying to muster a little dignity, walked stiffly back to where he had been standing at the other end of the room. Who knows what thoughts were going through his head. I wanted very much to apologize for the girl’s attitude, tell him we weren’t all like that, and that I hoped it wouldn’t jade him and keep him from asking other women to dance. And, I wanted to smack that girl.

I have heard over and over from my women friends that they don’t understand why, at dances and in clubs, the guys stand around the fringe of the floor with a drink in their hand and seem disinterested in dancing. Some men do not even dance one dance. Other than the ones who simply come to watch, and you know who you are, what could the reasons be? Well, it was reinforced through this incident that the guys may be uncertain that the woman they ask will agree to dance with them. And, clearly, this mind set is often justified.

I can think of nothing more unspeakably cruel, other than 25 year old females parading around in front of me with low rise jeans and crop tops, than a woman who says “no” to a man who made that long march across a floor to ask for a dance. I’ve heard the excuses that the gals give for turning the guy down—“I don’t like the song”, “I have a headache”, “I just had an operation” - lame plus 10. I don’t understand why it would be so difficult for this woman to dance with a guy who put himself on the line in this fashion. What’s one dance? I’m not suggesting she spend the evening with him. And, if someone is annoyingly persistent, say “no thank you” to subsequent requests. But come on, ladies, one lousy dance as opposed to potentially embarrassing a fellow single. What was she thinking!?! Where were this woman’s manners?

To those of you who have done this yourselves, I say, “Shame on you”. Unless you’re on life support or in a body cast, there is almost no excuse. You ladies are certainly allowed to attend the dance for whatever reasons you may have. Want to spend the time chatting with your girlfriends? That’s your privilege; although, I can’t imagine that you don’t get enough of that Monday through forever. Not in the mood to dance at a dance? Your call. But then don’t complain when the men just stand around. Not there to meet guys? Again, your business, but I don’t buy that one for a second. But this woman of whom I’m speaking was at a public function, and public manners and behaviors ought to prevail. A stranger approached, in the land of the DJ, and asked for what amounts to a 3 minute dance. Couldn’t she think of someone else’s feelings for just 3 minutes, tear herself away from what I am certain was a less than fascinating conversation with an already best friend, and dance with the guy?

So now, after having lambasted the ladies, I can only say that I hope you guys who have been told “no”, and have felt that sting, won’t try to pay back by also saying “no” to those of us who have screwed up the courage to ask you to dance. In this case, turn about is not fair play. I have been on the receiving end of that “no”, and I can tell you I don’t like it any more than you guys do.

I find as singles who are out and about much of the time, we can be remarkably insensitive to each other at a time and place when some of us are most vulnerable. This singles scene can be remarkably tricky to navigate. Many go out, experience extremely bad manners on the part of their fellow singles, take it very personally, and choose not to go out again for a time. Some really have to recover from some of their experiences. It’s bad enough that the world is already cruel to us in a very haphazard way; it seems to me we should be kinder to each other when we have the opportunity.

I’m rather sure there are other reasons why men don’t always ask us to dance when we would like them to; I can’t possibly know all of them. But, I think that the above is valid, and pervasive. I hope that we will give this some thought and try to do our part not to contribute to this potentially hurtful scenario.

So, shall we dance?

Susan’s Wake Up Call, Copyright, 2008, by Susan D. Platt (No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author). September 14, 2008 - 3

Are You Sick of the Single Scene?

My heart goes out to all singles who are dissatisfied with their current relationship position. It isn’t easy slogging through the day-to-day if you are distracted by the ever-present malaise that comes with being profoundly dissatisfied with the status quo. If you are reflective and self-aware, you already know whether or not you are satisfied with the way your relationship situation is going. If not, the following paragraphs will offer questions to ponder and pose the scenarios of the dissatisfied; perhaps you will recognize yourself in some of this—I know at one time I did. If you find yourself described below, even a little, I may have something for you to think about. So, eyes and minds open, blindfolds off, defenses down, you get the idea. Does any of the following fit you?

Are you one of the many singles on this earth who is, as the song says, “tired of bein’ alone”? Do you find yourself constantly thinking that if you had someone with whom you could share your life, things would be oh so much better and brighter? Do you put off activities that you would enjoy because it’s just not as much fun alone? Are you constantly missing that person who could perhaps cook for you, fix that leaky faucet, advise you about buying that new car, or take care of you when you’re ill? Is the longing and missing and wishing taking over a lot of your thoughts? And, are you becoming more and more dissatisfied with this single-minded preoccupation?

Or, perhaps you haunt the singles world attending every dance, TGIF, mixer, and social activity put on by any of 25 singles’ groups and clubs. Do you go out all of the time, keeping busy as it were, appearing at all of the clubs, hoping each time that the answer to your prayers will be sitting right in front of you at the buffet—and using utensils? Do you online date to the degree that you’ve not seen a man or woman in a very long time but you are intimate with a hundred different internet profiles? Are you so adept at speed-dating that you can determine in a millisecond that someone is not right for you? Is no one right for you? And, are you finding that all of this is a bit tiresome?

Or, are you a serial dater. Do you meet and date regularly, get involved with people for about six months to a year, and then start finding fault and break up because there’s nothing there after the chemistry dies down? Are you incapable of becoming involved with someone if there is no initial chemistry because you believe that is what is initially necessary in order to create a lasting relationship? Are you someone who either gives your phone number to anyone who asks, accepting dates from anyone who requests one, or do you ask for phone numbers every time someone speaks to you and do you ask everyone out who you meet? And does everyone eventually disappoint?

Or, are you sick to death of the singles scene? Would you just rather curl up at home by yourself with a book and the dog, a movie and a bowl of popcorn, or the computer and anything portable and edible, and spare yourself the aggravation of one more night on the prowl? Do you think you just can’t bear one more dance where they play The Lady in Red? Do you complain (but in an attractive way) that there is no one of any interest at any of these events, and it’s all just a boring waste of time? Do you think if you have to make small talk with one more moron with whom you have nothing in common, you’ll scream until your head explodes? Have you finally realized that the number of people who actually meet and stay together on the internet is statistically insignificant and internet dating is a disappointing waste of time? Are you tired of telling yourself that you’re just looking for new friends and are not really interested in meeting a significant other? No one actually believes that last one anyway. Is this all getting to be too much for you?

Now, ponder this. Are you so old school that you still believe that you need someone else in order to feel complete, happy, satisfied, fulfilled…blah, blah, blah? You say you aren’t, but maybe you are just a little? How you spend your time and the thoughts that haunt you tell you the truth about whether or not you are experiencing the above. If your mood or your sense of well-being seems to hinge on whether or not you have a date, or if someone is calling you, or if you’re in a relationship even if it’s going nowhere, or whether or not you’re popular with the cool kids, you may want to think about how to improve your sense of self-worth. As everyone knows, or so they say, you have to be whole and healthy in order to find the same in others.

Of course for some the situation can become anxiety provoking, depressing, and perhaps dangerous. Maybe you need to engage a professional for that proverbial fifty-minute hour in order to gain some perspective. And, if your conversation is solely, constantly, and incessantly about the opposite sex, where to go to meet one, why you can’t meet one, on and on and on, then you may benefit from a little one-on-one with someone with a Dr. in front of his or her name, and initials behind it.

The bad news is most of us are not going to spend the rest of our days with a magical someone; or anyone, for that matter. Odds are we are destined to go it alone from now on. I can just hear some of you for whom a cliché passes for a philosophy of life saying, “but you never know—it could happen”. And of course, it could. But, grasshopper, like the proverbial Boy Scout, you better be prepared if it doesn’t, because the statistics tell us that it isn’t very likely.

So, what do you do with yourself? How do you turn this lemon into lemonade? Sometimes the wisest thing you can do for yourself while navigating this confusing and often frustrating singles scene is to take a break from it altogether. Perhaps it’s time to stop and (dreaded word coming) analyze, evaluate or pass judgment on your past, (it’s called reflecting) your history with others, your motivations, your successes, your regrets, and perhaps finally come to some understanding of your role in the success or failure of your many liaisons. Perhaps you need to find a different way altogether to be in the world at this stage of your life. Maybe it’s time to look for something different to do to improve your frame of mind and eventually your life.

Becoming single afforded me an opportunity to decide how I wanted to live in the world for the rest of my life. Like many of you, even though I wasn’t initially pleased about being alone and on my own, eventually I sort of grew into the idea. I knew I had to figure out a way to not just make the best of a situation I wasn’t thrilled with, but create a life with meaning. I didn’t come up with anything new or original; I knew from reading philosophy and psychology books that certain activities have long been known to be important in maintaining a purpose to one’s life. In other words, I knew that a life well-lived consisted of standard components, certain universal and widely accepted features that satisfied certain basic needs. And, consistently brought forth positive results.

So, I put the basics together for myself and created the framework for a life I thought would have goals, a focus, and purpose. Please, notice that happiness is not mentioned as a goal, but is a hoped for by-product of purpose and meaning. And, by the way, often attainable after a couple of shots of tequila and dancing the night away. Along with living a relatively normal everyday life, I make sure that the following are also present in some balanced way. I list them below in no particular order.

I. It is imperative to have a social life. This consists of friends, activities, organizations, clubs, going out, and staying in with people. Regardless of the structure or number involved, one-on-one or a large gathering, a social life allows you to feel comfortable in the world.

II. It is imperative to have a physical life. You can go to the gym for workouts, take hikes, dance, join sports teams, use exercise videos, or participate with the exercise programs on television; anything that gets your body moving is good. This is done for both health and pleasure.

III. It is imperative to have an intellectual life. Going to school to take a class or complete a degree, starting a new business or holding down a job, reading about anything especially those subjects which interest and amuse, writing, discussing, going to lectures—all those things which educate and assist us in expanding our points of view. This is so we are not stupid.

IV. It is imperative to have a charitable life. Doing something for someone else, volunteering at an established charity, religious organization, hospital, library, or whatever. It is important to get your hands dirty while assisting someone else. This helps us realize that the world doesn’t revolve around us.

V. It is imperative to have a family life. We need to spend time with and appreciate family—whatever form that may take—children, parents, brothers and sisters, any friends or significant others, pets, home and hearth, kith and kin. This is so we know we have a haven, and know we are loved—even if just by one.

If you recognized yourself above, I hope this helps as you evaluate your approach to your life. I don’t have to tell you that there is nothing as devastating as doing the same thing over and over, thinking the same thoughts, being stuck in a rut, and unhappy because you can’t get what you want, and don’t know what to do about it.

I’m not saying that this is a cure-all—sometimes only a doctor and a prescription can cure what ails you. However, if you have all of the above in your life, chances are you are pretty satisfied, busy, perhaps happy, and often fulfilled. And you may have reason to be pretty pleased with yourself for all that you have accomplished alone and without a partner.

Susan’s Wake Up call, copyright, 2009, by Susan D. Platt (No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author). May 3, 2009 - 6

THE SINGLES SCENE DOESN’T WORK

This has been a very difficult column to write. As it happens, I know many people who make their living from the single scene. I count among my friends people who are quite skilled at what they do in terms of creating venues where singles can mix and mingle, friends who write lovely books about how to find one’s true love, friends who will make matches for you, and friends who counsel and tutor us in terms of dress, behavior, and attitude in order to improve our love life. So, at the risk of not being on their VIP lists anymore, I must tell you that I believe that if you attend these functions with the sole purpose in mind of “finding someone”, you will be sorely disappointed. It is my fervent belief that if your goal is to meet someone with whom you can have a stable, healthy, fulfilling, intimate, and long-term relationship, the singles scene as most of us know it is not the place where this is going to happen. In fact, it is very unlikely that you will ever meet anyone at one of these functions with whom you can stick it out over the long haul.

Okay, start protesting now. “Ridiculous!” you say. “Counterintuitive” you say. And the dreaded, “Negative” you say. “Why, I know someone who knew someone who found their soul mate at a singles thing and they’re married now, I think, so it happens “all the time”. And, you assume that it could just as easily happen to you. I think many of you strongly believe in the single scene potential; look how many singles organizations we belong to, how many on-line dating sites we support, and how many emails from groups we receive. And, occasionally, a romance blossoms that actually withstands the test of time. I know how incredibly difficult it is to believe that even with all the single men and women out there, and all of the sponsored dating activities, it is not likely we will connect with an interesting, appropriate and compatible person. Sadly, wishful thinking, loneliness, fear, and yearning just add impetus to the bright but empty idea that your soul mate is out there waiting for you.

Let me explain my point of view before you call the lynching committee. I’m not suggesting that you won’t have a good time, make new friends, or enjoy mocking the rest of us. I really don’t mean to dampen your ardor or your spirits or discourage you in any way from your pursuits. These events can be fun, are great places to meet people, explore and enjoy activities, get out of the house, make new business contacts, see the sights, learn a new skill, whatever. But, considering that there are millions of people involved in these activities, and acknowledging the millions of possible pairings, it becomes painfully clear to even the most math challenged among us that the number of “happily ever afters” is a statistically insignificant one. Unfortunately for all of us, real love rarely rears its cute little head in this atmosphere, and on-going relationships do not often start at these venues.

Let’s look at some of the less than obvious road blocks to connecting with all of these people. For starters, the one thing you think you have in common with all the people who go to these activities aimed at singles (besides the fact that we are all gluttons for punishment) is our marital status. We are all single, theoretically. But, surprise, surprise, did you know that the number of people who are attending these functions these days who are legally married, married but separated, married but cheating, divorced or widowed but involved with someone, on a date and part of a couple, or dating outside of the singles scene is staggering. My guess is that at least 25% of the attendees are not available for an important and legitimate relationship, because they are already in one. Consider that half of those who are left are not the gender you’re interested in, and you have a diminishing number of people with whom you might connect. I know, I know, it only takes one and ya’ never know - clichés, and pathetic ones at that. Add to that percentage those people who have never and will never be seriously involved, regardless of what they say about never having found the “right” one, and the prospects become even more bleak.

Let’s continue with the discussion on commonality. I believe that we singles have less in common with other singles than we have with any other group of people with whom we might mix; having a marital status in common is simply not enough. Think about it for a moment. When we go to religious services, for example, we are with people who, at least on the surface, have somewhat the same religious upbringing, belief system, or religious practice history as we do. When we go to a dance class, we are surrounded by people who value dance, movement, and want to become accomplished in this musically based skill. When we go to a golf course, on a hiking trip, to a tennis court, etc, we are dealing with groups of people who not only share an interest, a physical proclivity, but an activity history and many shared experiences as well. Perhaps they also have a similar financial ability to pursue the activity as much or as little as is necessary. Being involved in certain sports may presume that you are in a particular income bracket. When we go to work we are dealing with people who have studied or practiced the same profession as we have for perhaps many years, likely share a similar education, and may have worked for the same companies. Even when we go to a restaurant, we are dealing with people who ostensibly have the same taste in food as we do. When we go to the library, the art museum, the theater, the ballet, an exhibition or a concert, we are dealing with thousands of people with a powerful preference for certain artistic or intellectual endeavors. Going to a singles function and expecting commonality is, in my opinion, bound to be disappointing.

When we go to a singles event, we are surrounded by people who are remarkably and substantially different from ourselves in almost every way. We run into people from different geographic areas (East Coast vs. West Coast, foreign and domestic); different religious backgrounds (Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Islamic, Atheist, etc.; practicing and abstaining; literalists, fundamentalists, and realists); different educational accomplishments (high school dropout to PhD); different financial circumstances (rich to poor); different recreational interests (couch potatoes to mountain climbers); different job status (working or not, labor or management, union or non-union, clerk to CEO, professional to just hanging in); plain to beautiful; fine art lover to stock car racer; teetotalers and AA attendees to drug users and alcoholics; in shape and out of same; vegetarians to meat lovers. You find people who are oblivious and you find people who are astute; people who can solve problems and those who cause them; people who are living life to the fullest and those who are stuck in a rut. There are people who are resilient and those who can’t get out of bed most days. There are liars and thieves, and there are the most honorable people. There are many personalities - the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are those who are shy and/or passive and those who are outgoing and/or aggressive. And, there are those who love diversity and those who won’t tolerate it. Among the myriad ways people can be different, each is represented at every singles event. And while many love the cliché “Opposites Attract”, it is a precursor to turmoil and discontent. Studies show that happiness is based more frequently on commonality.

Another reason that singles events are miserable ways to meet someone for a lasting relationship is that there is just too much inventory available to us all. Studies have shown that when people have too many choices, we may just check out and refuse to make a choice. Or, we may pursue what is already friendly and familiar - hang with those people we already know and play it safe. Many of us don’t make any effort to meet anyone new. We sit with our friends and stick close to those we know. Or, we look around fairly quickly and decide we’re not interested in anyone, and just dance with our friends. Or we allow our evening to be taken up by someone we’re not interested in but don’t know how to get rid of. Even though there are lots of people, there really is no one.

To go one step further, do you ever get the feeling that some of the people in attendance are not just interested in one person but in all of us? I have often thought that the men at these functions don’t really want just one woman - they want us all. And by not choosing - ever - they get their way. Women too, I suppose. Men can dance with as many women as they want, flirt, and get physically close to many of us, and they don’t have to spend any money on anyone, they don’t have to make sure anyone gets home safely, they are not really responsible for any of us, and yet they can have a “date” with all of us. And, maybe get lucky, if you catch my drift, all for the price of a glass of wine - maybe.

Some make an attempt to play the dating game. People ask each other for phone numbers and act as if there is some interest. But, when everyone gets home, calls are rarely made. And understandably. Who wants to give up that entire inventory? The lure of the many overrides the allure of the one in many cases. Many men and women seem to choose not to choose. Some of us like the idea of having a lot of attention from a lot of people as opposed to settling down with one at this stage. Additionally, if we got serious with anyone, we may have to give up this single, adventurous life.

So, I’ve made a case for these singles functions being a poor place to hook up with someone. Where do we go, then, to meet people who are interested in being in a relationship? Stay tuned.

Susan’s Wake-up Call, copyright, 2010, By Susan D. Platt No part of this article may be reproduced without the express permission of the author. January 20, 2010 - 8

GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND APPLICATION

A dating tool for singles

The purpose of this questionnaire is primarily to find out as much information about a prospective friend, date, or mate as possible in order to avoid craziness, turmoil, drama, and mistakes so large you can drive a MACK truck through them. Secondly, our intention is to facilitate romance so that the path to friendship and love is smooth. This means you learn as much as you can in an attempt to avoid unpleasant surprises. And thirdly, we want to give you lots to think about as you embark - yet again - on a relationship you are sure is going to succeed. We have done all the work figuring out the most important pieces of information you need to know about your potential sweetie, so you don’t have to think about anything. After all, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. This questionnaire is to be used as a conversation starter - answers, where appropriate - are to be discussed and rigorously defended.

JUST THE FACTS NAME: _____________________ NICKNAME: ________________ ALIASES: _____________ ADDRESS/CITY/STATE: ________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY NO: ________________________________________________________ PHONE: ________________________________ CELL: _______________________________ EMAIL ADDRESS: ________________________ WEBSITE: ___________________________

How long have you lived at the above address? Is this a house, a condo, an apartment, a trailer, a futon at a friend’s, a ’67 Chevy, a bridge embankment? If none of the above, are you in a residential treatment program or half-way house? Psychiatric facility? Not sure? Do you rent, own, mooch off a friend, or live with mommy? Do you have roommates?

GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

Are you male, female, in transition, or undecided? Feel free to put this off till later. What are your age, height, and weight? Your BMI? Your future diet plan? What is your racial designation? Do you take advantage of it? Describe your body build: Do you need two airline tickets? Are you heavy, average, slight, or need to be weighted down in a strong wind? Do you have all of your original parts? If not, what has been replaced or amplified? Reduced? Removed? Do you have a plastic surgeon on speed dial? Regarding your eyes, what color are they? Do you wear glasses? Seeing-eye dog? What color is your hair? Oops - do you have any? Do you dye your hair? Toupee? Do you still have all of your teeth? Do they live in a glass by the bed? How many then? What color? Are you missing any limbs or digits? Anything too embarrassing to mention?

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Do you play well with others? Are you picked last? Assuming you read, what is your favorite reading material? The race form? Graphic novels? (Those are comic books for the uninitiated). See Spot Run? A.A.s Big Book? Do you socialize, dance, belong to clubs? Seriously. What is your idea of a good time? What are your favorite activities? Careful, this is a family column. Do you smoke or use drugs recreationally? Seriously? Have you made it a second career? Do you have a personality? If so, describe. If not, we’re done. What are your best qualities? Chameleon-like ability to disappear and get out of everything doesn’t count. Avoiding relationships also not good. Any special talents which aren’t painfully obvious? Do you have a religious affiliation? Spiritual? Sundays are for sports, sleeping and sex?

YOUR EDUCATION

What is your education level? What is your I.Q.? Are you super smart or do you need help walking and chewing gum at the same time? Somewhere in the middle? How far to the left or right? (This is a trick question). Are you open-minded? So open-minded your brain falls out? Rigid and inflexible? Do you believe in angels? UFOs, aliens and ESP? Conspiracy theories and astrology? Ghosts? That good things come to those who wait? Do you need a keeper? A trainer?

YOUR WORK HISTORY

Do you work? At what and where? How long? How hard? Can you afford a romantic partner? Will someone be able to afford you? Are you going to be promoted and given a raise? Kept at the dead-end forever? Blamed for everything? Fired at any minute?

ABOUT YOUR FAMILY

Have you been married before? If yes, how often? If no, why should we bother with you? How many children do you have? Are you sure? Are all the returns in? DNA tests done? Do you have grandchildren? Will you be raising them? Vice versa? Do your children love you? Chomp at the bit for the inheritance? Wish you and their other parent had separated years before? Do they have plans to put you in a home in a land far, far away? What would your children, ex, or friends say about you? Are they right? Still your friends? Do your parents love you? Are they a little disappointed in you? Do they like your siblings better? Are you still mad at your parents for, I don’t know, everything? In a fight between mom and a new squeeze, who is likely to win?

MEDICAL, PHYSICAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HISTORY

Are you taking any medication? Which and for what? Do you actually take it? Sell it? Do you wear a medic alert bracelet? For what? Is it anything someone would have to study up on? Do you have any restrictions or limitations? Do people laugh at you because of it? Do you workout or have a physical fitness regimen? Should you? Is Richard Simmons trying to get hold of you?

YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

What qualities do you look for in a relationship and/or significant other? Can we contact your last partner? Did he/she go into therapy? Leave the country? Enter the witness protection program? How long ago was your last breakup? If less than five minutes, this conversation may be moot. What are your relationship skills? Good aim is not what I’m looking for. Was the divorce mostly your spouse’s fault? Do you say it was anyway?

LEGAL QUESTIONS

Are you a citizen? If not, do you have a passport, a green card, deportation papers? A good pair of Nikes? Do you regularly travel free with ICE? Are you currently under any legal restrictions? Do you have interesting state-issued jewelry around any of your limbs? Are there any restraining orders out on you? Is your picture on a wall somewhere? Do you have any strikes? How many and for what? Are you on a first name basis with any parole officers? Do you have a lawyer on speed dial? Are you familiar with www.writeaprisoner.com?

YOUR FINANCES

Do you have difficulty spending money on others? Do the words, “Let me get that” have a hard time comin’ out of your mouth? Do you enjoy taking someone out and paying for everything? Is your mantra, “You wanted equality, now pay your own way?” Have you ever declared bankruptcy? Are you in debt? Is so, for what and how much? Are you wealthy as all get out? Substantially well-fixed? Doing okay? Just getting by? Worried about the future? Eyeing the cat-food? Are your children going to have to live with you? Are you going to have to live with your children?

YOUR ACTIVITIES

What are your favorite sports to watch? What are your favorite sports to play? If one of them is slamming a spigot into a pony keg in under 10 seconds, go no further. Are you a couch potato? Is watching a two day marathon of The Three Stooges your idea of a grand old time? Is watching “Real World” as real as it gets for you?

VOLUNTEER ACTIVITIES AND CHARITY

Do you volunteer or perform charity work? Do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

Please provide three references. All information is subject to police and credit check and will obviously be used against you. Now go out there and find someone who’ll sit still for this questionnaire.

Co-authored with Sharon Schutjer

Susan’s Wake-up Call, copyright, 2010, by Susan D. Platt No part of this article may be reproduced with the express permission of the author. January 30, 2010 - 7